Update!

Well I've been slacking on keeping up with this so here's an update.

Isaac has started kindergarten! I've been sooo worried about him going to school but so far he has been doing wonderfully. Whew! He was bad about forgetting his lunch for a while but that was kind of to be expected. He's doing great now though. I spoke with his teacher the other day and she said he has been following directions really well and fitting right in. We did have a scare the other day though. While he and I were walking through the school parking lot (I'd been walking him up to the front doors) some woman in a suburban backed right into me! I was holding Isaac's hand and tried to yank him forward out of the way but he was scared and yelling and tried to run back to the truck :( I was yelling at this woman and ended up punching the back of her car. When she finally stopped I went to her passenger window and went off on her. Her response? "Oh, sorry!" Really?? That could've been my son! God was watching over us that day. That was the ONE time I've ever walked through a parking lot with Isaac on my outside. I never do that. If he had been on the other side of me she would've hit him instead of me. Glad that's over with!

Now for me. I got a job! Yay, finally! It's at Dollar General. Part-time. Not much but I don't really care. It's a job. It's a start. Everyones gotta start somewhere. It just feels good to finally be doing something. God knows I love my kids more than life itself but it helps to get a break from them while I work.

And I've decided next year I'm going to try to go back to school. Camryn will be in pre-k and Isaac will be in 1st grade. Can't think of a better time than that. I've been stuck for a while between teaching and midwifery but now I'm stuck between becoming a midwife or a doula. Ahh! Decisions! I'm going to keep researching both so I can make an informed choice on what would be best for me. Either way, it's definitely going to be in the childbirth field. I'm excited!

Until next time... :)

Fifty Shades

Fifty Shades of Grey. WOW. I liked it but it is definitely NOT for everyone. Ana, the virgin, falls for Christian who happens to be an amazingly gorgeous billionaire that also has a HUGE kink fetish. I already knew what it was about but wanted to find out for myself. First of all, the style of writing caught me off guard. I've read plenty of first person point of view books but it's mostly as if someone is narrating. In Fifty Shades everything is I this, I that. Took a little getting used to. I can see why an author would do this though. It really helps the reader put themselves in the shoes of the main character. It sucks them in, so to speak. Also, even through all the kink I did enjoy the story line. Ana is inexperienced and insecure. She find herself in this world she never even knew exsisted and finds her "inner goddess" as she says. She's learning to come into her own. Then there's Christian who started off on the wrong side of the tracks then found himself with Ana, fighting this inner turmoil of emotions unfamiliar to him while battling his own demons. I spoke about this book with a friend and former teacher of mine and decided it really shows a major turning point in society.

Let me just say, NO, NOT ALL MEN ARE THE SAME.

Moving on, I cannot count the number of times throughout high school and into adulthood I've seen men sleeping with women left and right. I've known and seen so many jump from one woman's bed to another, one girlfriend to another like nothing. I've talked to many male friends that have admitted to watching porn on a regular basis or buying pornographic magazines or going to strip clubs and aren't ashamed and most people don't think anything of those actions. Now, let's turn the tables. What if woman did the same? She could be a mother, a teacher, a doctor, a lawyer. How would people react then? More often than not, if a woman admits to genuinely enjoying sex and sleeping around or doing the same things men do then she gets labeled. A slut. A whore. A tramp. Easy. How fair is that? It's not. It's sexist. This book Fifty Shades of Grey has caught the world by storm and has turned into an overnight sensation. Why?? Personally, I feel as if women (not all, some are perfectly fine with their sexuality) are "coming out of the closet" so to speak. I've spoken to many friends who felt after reading the book they can finally stand up and say, I'm a woman, I have wants, desires, and fantasies too and there's nothing wrong with that. As for the movie that's supposed to be made based off the Fifty Shades series, that should be interesting.



Now for me :) Tonight while atempting to make dinner my children attacked me. Isaac wanted a hug so I gave him one. He tried to dip me and give me a kiss but as soon as I got down to his level he and Camryn bombarded me, shoved me on the ground, yelled "Dogpile!" as they both jumped on me, then proceeded to tickle me. We all ended up in a ball on the floor screaming and laughing hysterically. It was heaven :) My life is chaos but its at times like that I know everything is right in the world because I have them.

Your own worst nightmare...

What do you do when you've become everything you ever hated?

What do you do when you've become exactly what you strived and vowed to NOT be?

How do you change when you feel you have no control?

What do you do when your life becomes a lie?

When you can't bear to look yourself in the mirror?

How do you stop?

How can anyone love you when you don't even know how to love yourself?

What do you do when you're too scared to move?

Too ashamed to admit?

Your life has become a dream.

You're falling.

Away from everything and everyone.

Away from yourself.

Who you thought you were.

It's slow motion.

You see it happening.

But you can't wake up...


What do you do?



Just a thought....

Peanut Butter Hands

Isaac's dad and I went to court today and I feel like I've had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Things got pretty messy and ugly for a while but today we had the visitation orders changed so everything is better now. We've got a better schedule that we both feel will really benefit Isaac. He needs stability so thats what we got. Whew! SO glad that's over with!

And now, my kids are awesome. Isaac did wonderful today. Hardly any fighting or tantrums at all and he ate all his dinner without me having to argue with him. Then Camryn decided to pull a fast one on Mommy earlier. The kids know I don't like peanut butter, but I had made Cam a peanut butter sandwich, then her sneaky little self hopped up on me to "give me a hug" but turned around and wiped her gross peanut butter hands all over my face! Yuck! She took off laughing and I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Yup, I had it smeared all over my cheeks haha. I scrubbed my face but I swear I can still smell it lol.

Now for me. My birthday is tomorrow. I'll be 22. Young I know, but I feel so much older. Camryn's dad and I were talking about birthday dinners earlier and he asked me what my favorite meal was. My reply? Anything that I don't have to cook. And what do I want for my birthday? Good, uninterrupted sleep. A dream for most mothers of young children. Probably won't happen but I can still hope :)

Mommy Mode

I've been busy a lot lately with getting Isaac ready for school. Tonight I went out and bought him some more school supplies. He got so excited while we went through all his stuff. He's got his Superman backpack, folders, a journal, crayons, markers, pencils, etc. And a cute new lunchbox. Something else I also picked up,  a book. The Berenstain Bears Go To School. I remembered that book from when I was little. I loved their treehouse and secretly wished I could've lived in something like that haha. I've been worrying myself sick about Isaac starting Kindergarten but I figured reading that book might help him open up some about how he feels about starting school. Turns out he was too tired and could barely stay awake through it. Oddly enough, it helped me. My mind has been racing with all the worst case scenarios but then I realized this is kindergarten! It's going to be different and probably upsetting at first but it won't last forever. He'll get through it. He'll get used to the routine, he'll make friends, he'll have fun and learn new things and pick up on the other kids. He'll be okay and I'll be okay too. He's struggled a lot in the past with things like speech and understanding simple concepts and directions and I've been so caught up in that that I've been afraid he's going to have a really hard time in school. I've been worried about him becoming withdrawn, being bullied, or made to feel stupid. I've had to force myself to push those thoughts to the back of my mind because they upset me so much. Isaac is the light of my life. He is the reason I wake up every morning. He is the reason I breathe. He is the reason I was born; To be his mother. He can be so challenging but I wouldn't have it any other way. I want so much for him but I just have to remember to breathe too. This is life. We'll get through it.

"A goal without a deadline is just a dream"

I've been wanting to share this for a while. The kids are asleep and I'm wide awake so looks like its the right time. I came across the 101 in 1001 project off a friends Facebook. I read this friends list and felt inspired. I've gone through so much crap in my life and have been so... down for so long. Most days I feel like I'm treading water and on the verge of drowning. Not a nice feeling. And when I came across this concept I felt like I had "woken up". I've gotta change. I've gotta get out of this funk and DO SOMETHING! I've always had so many dreams but never knew when I'd do them, if ever. At my old high school we had goal cards for each week and at the bottom of the card was a quote: "A goal without a deadline is just a dream." That really used to irritate me. I hated those goal cards and having someone tell me what I had to do. Then I realized that wasn't the case. It was pushing me to do more for myself. Pushing me to want to complete more. I want so much out of life but I'm never going to get it unless I push myself to see all the amazing things I can do. So here goes!

The idea is to make a list of 101 goals to complete in 1001 days. And the goals need to be pretty specific, nothing super vague. So here's mine :) (In no particular order)

Start date: July 1, 2012
End date: March 29, 2015

1- Get a job Completed! Started at Dollar General 9/1/2012

2- Get my license ( I know, I know, sadly, I don't have mine)

3- Buy an elliptical

4- Lose 10 lbs

5- Lose 20 lbs

6-  Lose 30 lbs

7- Lose 40 lbs

8- Take a picture at each 10 lbs lost

9- Have $300 in Savings for a month

10- Have $500 in  Savings for a month

11- Have $1,000 in Savings for a month

12- Have $1,500 in Savings for a month

13- Have $2,000 in Savings for a month

14- Buy a car

15- Learn to drive a standard

16- Join a gym

17- Whiten teeth

18- Get a facial

19- Start a college fund for my kids

20- Go back to college

21- Finalize my divorce

22- Go to divorce recovery classes (I've signed up, just don't start till September)

23- Buy a whole new wardrobe

24- Wear a bikini without shame

25- After buying a car: Have $300 in Saving for a month

26- Have $600 in Savings for a month

27- Have $1,000 in Savings for a month

28- Have $2,000 in Savings for a month

29- Have $3,000 in Savings for a month

30- Get my own place

31- Buy a gun

32- Do my hair everyday for a week

33- Do my makeup everyday for a week

34- Eat fruit everyday for a week

35- Eat vegetables everyday for a week

36- Leave a 100% tip

37- Buy a strangers meal

38- Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years

39- Write a letter to my kids for them to open in 18 years

40- Have an entire day of fun with my son doing whatever he wants

41- Have an entire day of fun with my daughter doing whatever she wants

42- Drive a go-cart

43- Sing karaoke

44- Go to a club

45- Get drunk on my birthday

46- Learn to two-step

47- Learn to waltz

48- Don't eat out for a month

49- Save $5 for each goal completed

50- Find a penpal and write a letter every month for a year

51- Find one alcoholic drink I like

52- Leave 50 Operation Beautiful notes

53- Go paintballing

54- Complete a 1,000 piece puzzle

55- Volunteer at a homeless shelter

56- Volunteer at an animal shelter

57- Become penpals with a deployed soldier

58- Ride a roller coaster

59- Leave an inspirational quote in a book for a stranger to find

60- Donate blood

61- Watch 26 movies I haven't seen starting with each letter of the alphabet

62- Buy a lottery ticket

63- Take voice lessons

64- Join a choir

65- Host a dinner party

66- Go blonde

67- Don't cuss for a week

68- Go kayaking or canoeing

69- Floss everyday for a month

70- Go floating (most Texas people will know what I'm talking about)

71- Read 20 Dean Koontz books I haven't read yet

72- Learn to French Braid

73- Run a mile without feeling like I'm going to die

74- Change a tire by myself

75- Change the oil on a car by myself

76- Beat a video game by myself

77- Clean out my Gmail

78- Find a new church and GO!

79- Give up meat for a month

80- Visit my brother in Oregon

81- Go skydiving

82- Cook one new recipe a week for two months

83- Plant a garden and don't let it die!

84- Take and complete belly dancing classes

85- Wear a skirt in public without feeling nervous

86- Go to a Rangers game completed 8/29/2012 Rangers vs Tampa Bay Rays

87- Start a journal  (I started this blog as my journal) completed 7/9/12

88- KEEP my house clean for a month

89- Go to Hurricane Harbor

90- Give a stranger a ride

91- Go to a strip club

92- Compliment someone everyday for 10 days straight

93- Take a photo of the same place every month for a year then turn it into a calender for the next year

94- Write down for my dreams for a month (That should be good lol)

95- Make an album of all my kids pictures I have laying around

96- Build a birdhouse

97- Get CPR certified

98- See a comedian live

99- Bake a cake and decorate it myself

100- Go to Concert in the Park

101- Make a new 101 in 1001 list




Whew! I can do this :)

Revelations

First off, any woman who hasn't seen Magic Mike, should! Channing Tatum and stripper. Enough said. I needed some time for myself so Friday night my sister and I went and saw Magic Mike. It was awesome. So awesome in fact, the very next night we went again but with our mom, her friend, and my sisters friend who had also seen it once before. Not only is it a good movie, but its so entertaining watching everyone elses reactions in the theater haha.

Anyway, I had a big night. I spoke to my husband for the first time in almost two months. I was pretty nervous at first but we're getting divorced and needed to sort some things out so it was going to happen eventually. Surprisingly enough, it went well. We spoke about some personal things then were able to talk about the divorce. Finally, no fighting. I actually feel a lot better about everything now that we spoke. Lets hope things stay this calm so we can get it all settled.

Now for my mommy moment, Isaac is going to start school soon :( I swore I was NOT going to be THAT mom that cries when their child starts school but yeah, I definitely am. Isaac has struggled in the past with understanding things and communicating like he needs to soo I've been super worried especially because he didn't go to pre-k but I just keep telling myself it's gotta happen no matter what. He's gotta go to school. Atleast once he starts he'll be around other kids his age and will learn from them. He always did great in daycare when he was around other kids. He has a Superman backpack with some folders and spirals, crayons, pencils, and erasers and such. He likes to wear it around the house and all I can think is, Wow, when did this happen?? I never had that moment of, Omg  I'm 16 and pregnant, what am I going to do?? Nope, never had that. I always knew Isaac would start Kindergarten when he was 5 and I was 22. Then one day I woke up and realized, I'm about to be 22. Isaac's 5. School starts soon. OMG!!! What happened???? Where did the time go??? I don't want to let go of my little boy!!! *sigh* The time has come for me to let him go into the next chapter of his life and really become his own person and it scares the crap out of me. I'm sure most moms can relate. This is just the start of a very long road.

Autopilot

Ever gone through a whole day on autopilot? That was definitely me today.

Camryn has been whiney all day long. Then Isaac got home from his dads and was in a bad mood. That happens more often than not. The feeling I get tends to creep up on me. I do whatever I need to do for that day then realize the whole thing has passed me by. I feel like a zombie. I go through the motions. I feel numb. It won't seem like anything is wrong until I realize I'm sitting at the computer staring at the rest of the house in a daze. I see the laundry baskets the kids have dumped, once again. I see the dishes already starting to pile up again. I see the toys that need to be picked up. And I feel like I can't move to do anything. I finally push myself to get some dishes done only to "wake up" and realize I've been scrubbing the same plate for 5 minutes and its clean. Then the kids start yelling and when I go to see whats wrong, Isaac is trying to tape his sister in a box. Typical big brother haha. I managed to finish dishes and cooked dinner. Isaac ate wonderfully but Camryn was being very stubborn. She's 3. No surprise there. I remember when Isaac went through his "I won't eat anything" stage at the same age. I keep reminding myself, deep breaths and patience.

Let's hope tomorrow will be a better day.

On a better note, look at my little man!

Love him!

Fresh Start

My husband and I are separated and have decided on divorce for reasons I won't get in to. I know it's for the best but I've still struggled a lot with it. Most days I'm okay only because I use every ounce of strength I have just to keep myself together. I have my kids to take care of, a cat to care for, laundry to do, dishes to wash, food to cook. I don't have time for falling apart. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work. It takes so much out of me just to stay calm that I have my days where I'm just a mess and it hurts more than I ever thought possible. Its draining. It saps all my energy and affects every aspect of my life. I finally broke down and searched Google for divorce groups and came across a divorce recovery class. I emailed the coordinator for more information and we chatted for a bit. She finally sent me the link to register for the classes but I froze. I knew I was getting a divorce. I haven't seen my husband since December or spoken to him since May but I guess the reality of it hit me. I'm getting divorced. The man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with I was never going to see again. And here was this woman asking me to join her class to help get past it. I ended up staring at that email for a couple weeks. But today I quit thinking about it and signed up for the class. I need to quit sitting around thinking about how much it hurts, all our old times, what I wished would've happened. Wallowing in the pain isn't going to make it go away. It may never go away but atleast I can help it get better. I just have to try. So I am. The next set of classes starts in September so now I just have to wait. To be honest, it scares me. I've always had a problem with pushing the pain to the back instead of dealing with it. It'd help temporarily but slowly eat away at me over years. I can't keep doing that. The classes are through a nearby church and I haven't been to church in a long time so that makes me nervous also along with meeting new people. But then I remind myself, everyone has to start somewhere. These people who will be taking the class also have been in or currently are in my shoes also, dealing with the same things I am. All it could do is help. So I've gotta try. I'm anxious but also excited. Excited to start, excited to end, excited to move on with my life.

On a side note, Camryn informed me today that wedgies don't bother her because she's brave. Gotta love 3 year olds haha.

Errands & Toys

Today was a good day for me.

My dad was in town and first thing this morning, after Isaac went to Dylan's, he took Camryn and I took run some errands. I dropped off an application at Chicken Express, then headed to Dollar General to drop off another. Camryn's grandma is also a manager there so that helps. Cam's grandma bought a few toys and coloring stuff for her to share with Isaac but she also picked up a recorder. At first she found a big glitter batton but I didn't think it was a good idea because it could be used as a weapon... now I wish she had bought that instead of the recorder. The kids have been running around playing the recorder as loud as they possibly can lol. Ahh! My ears have been ringing all night.

Then this evening I was checking my Gmail while the kiddos were playing. Isaac yelled, "Look Mama! Look!" I turned around to see Isaac dragging Camryn around by her knees! !!!! I hopped up to make him stop and was in the middle of trying to tell him he was going to hurt her when I tripped over one of their toys and fell and twisted something in my foot. Oh yay. Then of course the kids really don't listen because they're laughing too much because Mommy fell. Gotta love kids. We're definitely cracking down tomorrow on picking up toys.

There was a much needed thunderstorm tonight. It scared the kids a bit and Cam started crying and Isaac thought there was a dinosaur outside. But we layed down a read Jack and the Beanstalk together all snuggled up in bed so they calmed down. Now they're asleep! Yes! Quiet time for Mommy! I don't know about anyone else but here lately I've definitely found myself counting down each day to bedtime haha. *sigh* Until tomorrow... goodnight.

The Beginning!

This is my first post so I better make it good!

I'm 21 and blogging from good ol' Texas. I have two amazing kiddos, which you'll be hearing a lot about. Isaac is 5 and Camryn is 3. And I'm currently going through a divorce. This blog was made as an outlet for me. A place I can write and let everything out to start fresh. Sometimes all it'll be about is my kids, sometimes it'll be about how lost I feel, how angry I am, but then about how much I'm trying for something better. So to explain a bit:

Isaac is my little boy and my life. I had him when I was 16 and wouldn't take it back for the world. His father, Dylan, and I were together for just over 2 years but it didn't work out. We had our ups and down for many reasons but now are good friends. Isaac has struggled in the past and has been in speech and occupational therapy and it has helped him tremendously. He's come soo far and is finally almost done with therapy, just in time for kindergarten to start. Eek! He can have some serious anger issues but is still such a sweet funny boy I just can't get enough of him.

Camryn is my little diva. I swore up and down she would NOT be one of those spoiled little princesses but low and behold, it happened anyway. She's petite as can be, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a squeaky Minnie Mouse voice lol. I've got another thing coming when she grows up. I had Camryn when I was 18 and her dad is Joe. Joe and I were together on and off for 3 years. Camryn is too smart for her own good and never slows down. She's my silly babydoll though and I couldn't ask for more.

And this is me!

I've been married almost 9 months but am going through a divorce. You'll be hearing about that too. I've struggled for a long time and still am, but those little voices that keep calling me Mommy are what keep me going each day, even if they drive me insane half the time lol. Right now, I'm living in an upstairs apartment at my daughter's grandparents. They've been wonderful to help me out so much and I could never truly express just how much I've appreciated everything they've done for me. I struggled through high school and was your typical Freshman who got in with the "wrong" crowd and got into drugs and whatnot. Quit that, finished high school 2 years late with 2 children but by God I wanted my diploma and I was going to get it even if it killed me. I went to a community college for a little while but had to drop out and now I'm a stay at home mom. For now. My life is chaos and I'm sure it always will be to an extent but I'm doing what I can one thing at a time to make it better. This is my new start. So enjoy.